The Family
GETTING READY FOR MARRIAGE
Getting ready for marriage means much more than reading a manual relating to its physical aspects. When a man and woman are united in marriage, they enter into a life contract – not to be violated. It should not be entered into lightly or inadvisably. Incredibly, one is schooled for fifteen to twenty years, qualifying for business or the professions, while spending almost no time in preparation for marriage.
Read the current advertisements, and you will believe that a happy marriage depends on the right honeymoon – flying off to some tropical isle, living in an luxury apartment, owning the latest labor-saving devices, having the latest model sports car; avoiding dishpan hands, bad breath, perspiration odor, and the like. While advantages may result from these and other prescriptions by self-appointed domestic doctors, this fact remains: protracted and increasing happiness in marriage needs Christ and His teachings, first of all.
The future of our country, as well as the church of our Lord, depends on stalwart Christian homes, consecrated Christian families, and the exaltation of Christian principles concerning marriage, parenthood, and the home. The application of Biblical principles is actually in accordance with the best results of sociological research – demonstrated in countless homes. The Christian faith is the greatest guarantee of attaining the highest possible happiness in marriage.
In His book, For Better Not For Worse, Dr. Walter A. Maier told this meaningful story: In the year 1789 mutineers from the English government ship Bounty, together with a group of Polynesian men and women, settled on lonely Pitcairn Island in the South Pacific. A ten-year orgy of drunkenness and debauchery, supplemented by continued bloodshed, left only one white man with a group of natives. Isolated on that tiny speck in the vast Pacific, his thoughts turned to the Bible salvaged from the wreck of the Bounty. In the study of this Book both the sins of the past and the promise of the future were vividly impressed on his disquieted mind. That was the beginning of a remarkable transformation. Nineteen years later, when a whaling-ship accidentally reached Pitcairn Island, its astonished sailors found a community of thirty-five English-speaking people of high morality. Marriage vows had been introduced and faithfulness to these vows was rigidly observed. Where lust had reigned, virtue was now enthroned. The power of the Book had once more prevailed.
Foundation on Scripture: It was God who made the race “male and female” (Genesis 1:27). It was God who commanded, “Be faithful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28). It was God who said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him” (Genesis 2:18). It was God who brought the bride to her husband in the first marriage (Genesis 2:22). It was God’s Word that declared for all ages, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). It was God who said, “To the woman . . . your desire shall be for your husband, And he shall rule over you” (Genesis 3:16).
In Matthew 19, Pharisees came to our Lord and tried to test Him by asking: “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?”
During this time there was a dispute between the schools of Shammai and Hillel over the interpretation of Deuteronomy 24:1-4. Shammai held that “some indecency” in verse 1 meant “immorality” (Matthew 19:9) – the only allowable cause for divorce. Hillel (c.60 B.C. – A.D. 20) emphasized the preceding clause, “She finds no favor in his eyes.” He would allow a man to divorce his wife if she did anything he disliked – even if she burned his food while cooking it. From His answer in verse 9, Jesus clearly took the side of Shammai, but only after first pointing back to God’s original ideal for marriage in Genesis 1:27; 2:24 (NASB footnotes).
Jesus answered the Pharisees: “. . . whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery . . .” (Matthew 19:9). Guided by the Holy Spirit, the Apostle Paul wrote, “Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife” (1 Corinthians 7:10-11). He further wrote: “But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God” (1 Corinthians 11:3). In a longer passage the Apostle Paul said, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as also Christ is the head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her . . . husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh” (Ephesians 5:22-25).
Because it is so easy to make mistakes in marriage, because marriage plays such a major role in the happiness of those involved, and because of the effect marriage has on one’s eternal destiny, we suggest seven major and important principles for consideration, prior to marriage.
Principle One – Carefully select the environment in which you will live: With exceptions (such as mail-order or Internet marriages), most marriages are between couples who know one another – from school or perhaps work. Since this is so universally true, it seems wise, especially if marriage choices are likely to be made, to put ourselves in an environment where our associates will have the qualities that support a good marriage. By putting ourselves in such an environment, we take a long first stride toward marital success.
Principle Two – Thoroughly prepare for marriage: With the divorce rate growing, it’s obvious that we have failed to properly teach our children about marriage. We need to place greater emphasis on certain important prerequisites to marriage. Our children need extensive training in the skills required for a happy home. This means training in more than just knowing how to cook or keep a house clean; rebuild an engine or cut grass. It also means learning to purchase economically, saving for the future, etc. Without such skills men and women are not really prepared to enter marriage.
Internal attitude preparation is of utmost importance. We believe that it is extremely important that each person come to marriage with a deep, genuine, unselfish concern for the good of his or her marriage partner. In addition to physical attraction and romantic love, there must be a deeper, more permanent kind of love – an unselfish desire for the good of the other person. As he takes the marriage vows, a man dedicates himself to do all within his power to make the life of his bride as rich, happy and meaningful as he possibly can. The bride similarly has the same responsibility to her husband. A couple is ready to marry only when there is such real love for each other.
Principle Three – Take time to marry: There is truth in the old adage, “Marry in haste; repent at leisure.” Regretfully, millions have come to know the wisdom of its meaning. Therefore, it is imperative that a couple know each other extremely well before entering into marriage. Over a relatively long period of time the couple should know each other in different kinds of circumstances. Time together is needed to discuss a variety of subjects, learning how to react to different circumstances. Time together is needed to know their own real attitudes and feelings toward one another.
At the same time, we don’t suggest overly long courtships. In this day of sexual stimulation in music, on television, in magazines, on the Internet, and in the movies, long courtships place temptations and pressures on the couple which can become dangerous. Ideally, if possible, it would seem that a couple might spend the better part of a year in a serious courtship before entering marriage, though no arbitrary time can actually be set. A few weeks is obviously too brief; a few years probably too long.
Principle Four – Marry someone with a background similar to your own: When two people marry, they are likely to spend endless hours together for the rest of their lives. Together they will eat literally thousands of meals, go to hundreds of places, and they each will share a relationship of intimacy that exists with no other person on earth. In the process of living together there will be many decisions, some of slight significance and some major – all of which they must make together. This is potentially a very real tension spot in any marriage. At best, it is not easy for two people to think alike or see things alike, especially if their backgrounds are different – compounding the complications. Therefore, if possible, it seems wise for life-partners to have similar backgrounds.
But, of course, falling in love does not always follow the rules. If it did, perhaps couples would be relatively the same age, maybe the husband being a little older; they would have the same national background, with general habits of thinking and behavior as nearly alike as possible – perhaps even to the point of having the same racial background. Ideally, the education, economic, and social background of couples falling in love would be as nearly alike as possible. For example, problems could easily arise if there is a wide disparity in economic background if the bride has lived on a luxurious level – a level her husband cannot provide. Still another area of “ideal” significance is the need for the couple to be united religiously. It is true that falling in love does not always follow the rules – the “ideal.” But, if divorce is not an option for consideration, then perhaps we should hope and pray for the “ideal.”
Principle Five – Marry someone with similar ideals and goals: It is obvious that if a couple is to live together happily, without friction, they must be going in the same direction. Only with similar ideals and life goals can marriage ever be “ideal.” With the same ultimate goals, the same basic values, and the same general principles to live by, the marriage offers great hope of being a happy experience.
Principle Six – Seek advice from thoughtful family and respected friends: In many parts of the world the age-old custom of parents choosing a child's marriage partner is still practiced. This is unthinkable to the American mind, where the pendulum swings to the opposite extreme. Many feel that they want to make their own choices without any help or advice from others. This is unwise, especially for young people who have never been over the road before – not experienced in the making of such major choices. A wise young person seeks advice.
There is something about romantic love that seems to blind one to reality. It is extremely difficult to be objective in one's decisions when one is “in love.” For this reason it is wise to ask thoughtful friends to help one evaluate a possible choice. Of course, ideally the young person should talk with parents about his or her choices. Parents should not try to dictate, but supply information, viewpoints, questions and helpful guidance as a young person makes his own ultimate decision. Others can often see what a young person cannot see in connection with the ultimate success of a contemplated marriage.
Principle Seven – Do not be unequally yoked: In the New Testament we read “Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever? And what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For you are the temple of the living God. As God has said: ‘I will dwell in the land And walk among them, I will be their God, And they shall be My people.’ Therefore ‘Come out from among them And be separate, says the Lord. Do not touch what is unclean, And I will receive you’” (2 Corinthians 6:14-17).
Holy Scripture further says: “A wife is bound by law as her husband lives; but if her husband dies, she is at liberty to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:39). Both in Old Testament and New Testament times God was concerned that His people marry those of like faith. When a Christian marries a non-Christian, loyalty and service to Christ often suffers. When a couple (especially a young couple), finds that they have differences of religious faith, the “ideal” approach is a careful study of the Scriptures, determining God’s will. Then, together they will want to follow the Lord’s teachings. Ideally, this will be done before marriage rather than after. First, be united in Christ then be united with each other in marriage.
Conclusion: Choosing of a marriage partner, a life-partner is the second most important decision in life. It is important because of the intimacy of the relationship and the potentials of happiness or of regret. It is important primarily because of its tremendous influence on one’s eternal destiny. It is imperative to approach marriage with caution and careful concern.
The most important decision in life is eternal in nature – obeying the Gospel, becoming a New Testament Christian.
(Unless noted, Scripture quoted from New King James Version)
