The Family
WHAT MAKES A MARRIAGE WORK?
To the question, “How long do you expect your marriage to last,” a young man replied, “As long as it is working.”
Then he added, “I hope, for a long time.” We, too, hope that his marriage works and that it is able to last for the rest of his life. However, his response to the question suggests the theme of our lesson: “What makes a marriage work?”
The thrill of being loved, the excitement of planning a wedding, the encouragement of friends, the strains of Lohengrin, and the fragrance of roses – all of these make the future look wonderful indeed. We have a strong tradition which says: boy meets girl, they fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after. But how is that reality? Or is it an idealized, romanticized description of marriage? It is not uncommon for a marriage to work beautifully, the couple living in a high degree of happiness for the rest of their lives. But sometimes marriage does not lead to happiness ever after. All too often the marriage which began with such high hopes, suffers because of lack of preparation, selfishness, neglect, leading to inevitable external stresses. Somewhere along the way there was also a lack of communication, misunderstanding, criticism, blame, charge and counter charge, and ultimately divorce or quiet desperation.
Most of us are aware of dreadful marriage statistics, showing a growing divorce rate. While such statistics can be deceptive, still, there are far too many failures in marriage. Therefore, we prayerfully suggest some things that hopefully will strengthen marriage.
Certain Special Problems: It is not uncommon today for marriages to develop out of dating situations that are unique to the 21st century. In former times, in our semi-rural society, when two people began dating, it was common for families to know one another. Usually, each family knew something about the background of the other. This is now quite uncommon. Today, most people meet and begin dating out of contacts made at school, in a work situation, in an entertainment activity, or via the Internet. Our present society does not seem to place much emphasis on families knowing one another. Obviously, this reduces the chances of establishing ideal homes.
Also, everything in our modern world is moving at a much faster pace – much faster than just a few years ago. In fact, most of us have more experiences in a week than our forefathers had in a month or more – a month may hold as many activities as a year once held. Today, young people seem older before their time. This rapid pace of living also puts greater stress on the period of courtship, lessening the likelihood of a permanent, happy marriage.
However, more important perhaps than either of these considerations, is the fact that especially young people today have almost limitless freedom in dating. Within a normal evening date, a couple may travel several miles in almost any direction from their homes – exposed to many additional temptations. Commercialized entertainment often makes strong appeals that are not very wholesome or helpful. Significant, too, is the fact that our generation provides little or no supervision – to a very large degree leaving youngsters alone.
Actually, it is easy to be greatly impressed with the mature way so many young people today handle pressures and temptations – even though today it seems more difficult than a generation ago for young people to come through the teen years without serious problems. Many young people today are strong and desire special commendation because of the marvelous way they are facing this most difficult age.
There is another concern to which those anticipating marriage should give careful attention. The possibility of pain and sorrow are greater in married life than single life. For example: only in marriage does one face the possibility of the death of a marriage partner – breaking the most intimate personal relationship in life. Then, there is the possibility of the failure of affection or love, often a greater sadness than even death. Financial stresses are also greater in marriage. Then, there is the possibility of nagging and bickering between people who are unwilling to undergo the disciplines of character which successful marriage requires. Before entering marriage, a person ought to seriously consider these liabilities.
This is suggested to encourage people not to marry, but rather to encourage preparation – making the sacrifices and doing the work required for a successful marriage. The joys and successes that are known in marriage are greater than in any other life-relationship – making the risks worth taking.
Things Which Hinder: In his book, The Common Ventures of Life, Trueblood points out that mere physical attractiveness will not suffice to make a marriage work. He writes: “The fact that the part of our country which is admitted to have the highest concentration of physical beauty, both male and female, is the part of the country most notorious for marriage failures. “Consider Samuel’s statement: “. . . For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7). Today, it is easy for people to erroneously think of physical attractiveness as the main thing in marriage.
Regarding the ideal woman, Solomon said: “Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised” (Proverbs 31:30). If marriage is to have the foundation needed to make it successful, there must be a strong moral sense, an unconditional commitment to God and His principles. Dr. Thomas B. Warren wrote a book on marriage with this meaningful title: Marriage Is For Those Who Love God – And One Another. How true.
There is always the possibility of one bringing bad habits to the marriage. Among the attitudes which tend to keep a marriage from working are: argumentativeness, querulousness, selfishness, irritability, vindictiveness, and accusations. Instead of these negative attitudes and actions, one would be wise to consider the positive suggestions of Scripture: “Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy – mediate on these things” (Philippians 4:8).
Among the bad habits that can be very disruptive to a happy marriage are: addiction to drugs or liquor, reckless spending, slovenness, irresponsibility, and fickleness. These make it almost impossible for marriage to work in any ideal sense.
William Cowper wrote: “The kindest and the happiest pair, Will find occasion to forbear; And something every day they live, To pity and perhaps forgive.” It has been said, “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.”
Just as there are attitudes and habits which hinder marriage, there are also attitudes and qualities which help to make a marriage work. Among them are: love, fidelity, loyalty, sacrifice, kindness, sympathy, wisdom, frankness, fairness, forbearance, patience, steadfastness, unselfishness, honesty, purity, growth, mutual interest, honor, respect, character, prayer, integrity. Obviously, these are qualities that make for success in any relationship of life.
Near the end of his long period of service on the bench, the late Judge Joseph Sabath of Chicago’s Court of Domestic Appeals gave the following rules for a successful marriage: Rear and forbear; work together, and grow up together; avoid the little quarrels, and the big ones will take care of themselves; compromise (give and take is the antitoxin of divorce); practice sympathy, good humor, and mutual understanding; don't grouch before breakfast – or after it; respect your ‘in-laws’ but don’t criticize them or take criticism from them; establish your own home, even in a one-room flat; fight for each other, but not with each other; build your home on religious faith, with love and forgiveness as the watchword.
In her book, Christian Romance and Marriage, Gertrude Nystrem has this paragraph: No matter how much one has in the way of education, wealth, social status, or physique, the basic contribution to the marriage will be his own character and personality. Beauty may be an asset, but time will cause it to fade. Intellectual attainment is desirable, but a person may be socially intelligent without formal study. However, emotional maturity is certainly essential to a permanently happy marriage. The ability to get along with people, the ability to face both routine and crises without becoming upset, the ability to subordinate self-interests for the common good – these are some of the materials of which a successful marriage is built.
The Apostle Paul wrote: “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails . . .” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).
A central ingredient in making marriage work is love among family members. Dr. Ronaro Overstreet spoke of love in the simple terms: “We, as people, learn to love each other by the simple relationships of eating together, talking and listening together, giving, and receiving help, working and playing together, learning together and affirming together.”
Another matter of importance is disposition. In a fairly recent study among college students, it was found that from ninety-six to ninety-eight per cent rated disposition as extremely important in the selection of a mate. Jesus had more to say about the sins of disposition than any other type. Obviously those who want marriage to work will work on their own dispositions.
Conclusion: Making marriage work involves give and take, trial and error, love and forgiveness, determination and perseverance – putting God and His kingdom first. Making one’s self better and more lovable should be the goal of every husband and wife.
In this whole endeavor of making marriage permanently happy and successful, the most fundamental element of all is living in close relationship to God. When two people are genuine, dedicated Christians, they have the guidelines and incentives necessary to work through any difficult situation, making their marriage meaningful. This is sound advice for those who want their present marriage to work. Actually, it is sound advice for every other relationship in life, too.
Christ’s way of life pays eternal dividends. Becoming and being a dedicated Christian will do more for each of us than anything else we could ever do. Christ not only wants to help make our marriages work, but our lives as well.
(Unless noted, Scripture quoted from New King James Version)
