The Family
IS MARRIAGE EVER HOPELESS?
Is marriage ever hopeless? Sometimes, when we consider the rising number of divorces, we might be prone to think so. Too many marriages are established on foundations so shaky that one sees no way it can last. In one such marriage an unusually talented, highly trained woman united with a man who had much less ability and far less training. Their backgrounds were so different, their courtship so brief, and their personalities so contrasting there didn’t seem to be much hope for any permanence in the marriage. Sometimes animosities between husband and wife seem so deep and the estrangement so complete that a permanent home seems hopeless.
However, even on these occasions, when there appears to be little hope for the marriage, problems still can be solved. In view of God’s teachings, no professional should ever encourage or contribute to the breakup of a home, even in the slightest way. Surely there are enough influences against the home without a marriage counselor adding negative forces.
Marriages Which Seem Hopeless: Over the years, trying to analyze situations in which marriages seem hopeless, we have come to the conclusion that they often fall into one of three categories. First, permanence in marriage often tends to appear hopeless when knowledge of and commitment to the teachings of God concerning marriage are lacking or none existent. When the pressures of life fall on a couple living without knowledge of God’s will or a loyalty to His will, marriages often break up. It is for that reason that it is good for us to pause for a few moments and consider the teachings of God’s Word concerning marriage.
In the very beginning of the Bible God said, “It is not good that man should be alone” (Genesis 2:18). Then God proceeded to form woman and to bring her to man as a suitable companion. At this point Adam said, “This is now bone of my bones, And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man. Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:23-24). This was God’s original plan for the happiness and good of mankind. One woman for one man for life is a very simple and very satisfying formula even today.
In the Hebrew Bible, the words of Solomon encourage us to “Live joyfully with the wife whom you love all the days of your vain life . . .” (Ecclesiastes 9:9). From the same wise man came the words, “Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies. The heart of her husband safely trusts her; So he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil All the days of her life” (Proverbs 31:10-12). In the Old Testament book of Ruth there is a remarkable statement suggesting this monumental love of a daughter-in-law for her mother-in-law. It contains the essence of the relationship that the Scriptures intend for husband and wife. The sentence goes, “Entreat me not to leave you, Or to turn back from following after you; For wherever you go, I will go; And wherever you lodge, I will lodge; Your people shall be my people, And your God, my God. Where you die, I will die, And there will I be buried. The Lord do so to me, and more also, If anything but death parts you and me” (Ruth 1:16-17).
In His great Sermon on the Mount, Jesus included the admonition, “You have heard that it was said . . . ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I say to you, that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery” (Matthew 5:27, 31-32). Christ recognized that at certain times during Old Testament times people were allowed to put away their wives, so He then added, “. . . but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality; and marries another, commits adultery . . .” (Matthew 19:8-9).
The Apostle Paul draws an analogy between the relationship between husband and wife and that of Christ and the church: “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body . . . Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her . . . So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself . . . For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh” (Ephesians 5:22-23, 25, 28, 31).
Why consider this somewhat extended series of Scriptures presenting the Biblical picture of marriage? Because when either husband or wife, or both, are ignorant of the teachings of God, or are uncommitted to live by those teachings, a marriage has little hope of being what it has the potential of becoming. Knowledge of God’s guidelines and a commitment to live by them is the strongest foundation a marriage can have.
No Determination: The second situation in which marriages often appear hopeless is when there is no determination on the part of husband or wife, or both, to make the marriage work. Some couples seem to have no real desire for their marriage to succeed. One such husband was weak, indulgent, selfish, lazy and unfaithful to his wife. He would not earn a living, but wasted his time with cronies. He indulged every desire, often coming home in the wee hours of the morning. Openly he let it be known, both to his wife and others, that he had no real concern about his marriage. Obviously, his marriage had little hope of succeeding.
At the beginning of this lesson, we referred to a marriage in which there was a great gulf in talent, training, and temperament between a young wife and husband. Hope for survival seemed dim indeed, yet many years have passed and the marriage continues – strong and enduring. This is explained by the wife’s determination that the marriage was going to work. She put her talent and training behind very strong determination. If one marriage partner is deeply determined that the marriage will survive, it often does.
The third situation in which a marriage appears hopeless is when living conditions, work situations, intimate friends and in-laws are strongly negative – constituting a hostile environment. In such situations a move is imperative. A fresh start, a new environment will often help and may even make the difference between survival and failure.
One husband explained that his younger wife was working downtown in a department store. In the same department was a young man who had no religious or moral scruples about hitting on another man’s wife and, by his smooth manner and appealing appearance, the predator was winning her over. This surely was a case where drastic steps were needed – and at once. When the environment in which a couple lives and the people with whom they associate form a strongly negative influence on their marriage, it is time to move.
But what about these and other marriages like them? Are they really hopeless? We have a number of proverbs or adages in our language which often contain a great deal of meaning. For example: one says, “Where there is a will, there is a way.” Another says, “While there is life, there is hope.” Both are true statements – especially when applied to difficult marriages. The Apostle Paul said: “I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13). If either the husband or wife is a Christian, and if he or she will work diligently and pray fervently for the survival of the marriage, the Lord will help find the way for that marriage to succeed.
Man’s Capacity to Be Transformed: There is one major reason to never lose faith in marriage, even if it appears hopeless – mankind’s great capacity to be transformed. Essentially, this is what Christianity is all about. Christ can lift us from the hopelessness of sin, to a higher plane and ultimately to eternal life with God. Again and again we read in the New Testament about people being transformed and becoming new creatures. For example, Paul wrote, “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God” (Romans 12:2). “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new” (2 Corinthians 5:17). The lives of many men and women have been transformed from a lower to a higher plane, by accepting Christ and obeying the Gospel.
Specific Transformation: There are three specific transformations needed in marriages which seem hopeless: The first is developing maturity. In his book, The Mature Mind, Harry A. Overstreet said: “The human being is born self-centered . . . One of the most important phases of maturing is that of growth from self-centering to an understanding of a relationship with others … A person is not mature until he has both an ability and a willingness to see himself as one among others.”
In his book, How Can I Learn To Grow? Dr. John A. Redhead said: “Much of the unhappiness which we encounter as individuals and as families stems from a failure of some adults to grow up. Time and again some wife who has come to talk about trouble in her marriage sums up the case by saying, ‘My husband is still just a child in so many ways.’”
Of course, sometimes the wife is still just a child. The Apostle Paul said, “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things” (1 Corinthians 13:11). This certainly should be the goal toward which all of us strive.
Maturing involves four things: (a) willingness to discuss problems openly and objectively. Judge Mildred Lillie wrote, “Most divorces are due simply to the inability of two people to sit down together and discuss their problems objectively. If you can just move them to do that, it is often the solution.” The other factors involved in maturing are: (b) willingness to seek advice and help; (c) willingness to accept responsibility; and (d) willingness to discipline oneself.
“Here then is your task: as men and women we are to grow up into real maturity as integrated responsible, expanding persons. We have at hand in our Christian faith the answer to our need, for we grow up best when we grow up into Christ” (Dr. John A Redhead, How Can I Learn To Grow?).
Conquering Pride: The second transformation needed in marriages which seem hopeless is: Conquering pride. There needs to be willingness on the part of both husband and wife to say, “I'm sorry,” “It was my fault,” “I was wrong." This is exactly the kind of thing that James spoke of: “Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another . . .” (James 5:16). Yes, there is a much different climate in a marriage when there is a willingness to admit fault, rather than accusing and blaming one another. Admitting weaknesses, whether it might be addiction to drink, a tendency toward overspending, bad temper, or whatever. Confession – swallowing one’s pride; and a willingness to seek help usually opens the door to marital success.
A third transformation needed in marriages which seem hopeless is: Growing spiritually. Solid Christian character is the best possible foundation on which any marriage can be established. Divorce should be unknown when both husband and wife are faithful Christians. What better husband or wife could there be than one who has the fruit of the Spirit, “love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control” (Galatians 5:22-23)? A man or woman with these qualities is certainly a good marriage risk. There is nothing more favorable to a happy and permanent marriage than solid Christian character.
Conclusion: Are marriages ever hopeless? No, not if Christ is given a chance. You can do nothing greater for your marriage than to obey the Gospel – become a genuine Christian. Not just because it will mean a happier, more permanent marriage, but because every relationship of life will be better; because you will be happier, a better adjusted person; because you will be of greater service to others and a finer asset to the world. But most important of all, when you become a Christian you will have the hope of an eternal life with God in heaven.
(Unless noted, Scripture quoted from New King James Version)
